being home makes me feel like i belong here.

i wake up. i get out of bed. i get to choose from 8 different cereals. i get to choose from 8 different teas. my dad and i have a whispered conversation. petal looks at me through the wooden pillars of the landing. i make a noise and she rushes towards me. i sit on the couch. i look outside. i drink the tea. i think about going to work out with my mom. i’m excited for it! i think about work. i’m excited for that too. i have a JOB here. what a relief. not only do i have a job that i like, but my job likes me. and i feel like i know what i’m doing there. i get to DRIVE to my job. i get to sleep on a bed. after work, i have the freedom to do anythinggggg. i can go anywhere. it’s my choice. i can come home and spend time with my family whenever i want. 

i’m rational. i know being here has a severe impact on me because it’s what i don’t have. it’s what i miss. it’s a treat. if i had it for too long i would want something else. that’s why i moved in the first place. these are all the things i tell myself to reassure myself that i am not destined to live a simple routine lifestyle.

and i don’t want to. i just wish i could have the best of both worlds. can everyone move to new york please? including my job and my work out place? or can the endless amount of opportunity move here? and the best acting training too?

i am learning how to act. and i really like it. it’s conflicting to me to put it in such simple words. because i don’t just like it. that’s not the only thing that draws me to it—that i like it (i just had a really offensive thought about how lame it would be for someone to do something solely because they like it. but i don’t mean that the way it sounds). i don’t have words for learning how to act. i just do it and there’s something about it that makes me want to keep doing it. and it’s really strong.