today i had a big break through in class and it felt really good. my teacher was genuinely impressed with me and kept me after to ask if i understood that i have it. i don’t know if this makes sense to anyone but it’s a grand feeling. it means that i’m learning. it means that what i’m here for is working. so i went on a walk and i let this feeling just live inside me. i walked around a place that i hadn’t explored in the city. i listened to the perfect music. and i just soaked everything in. i let myself have the feeling. i let myself understand what was happening. and i realized how relieving it is to not be so inside of my head. it feels so nice. that’s how i want to handle life. everything is much more beautiful when you just let it happen to you. let yourself see it. i ended up walking so far that exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks. i got to somewhere far and then i was beat, but i had to do more walking just to get to the subway. then i sat down and died. and to everyone around me i probably looked aloof. they didn’t know that i had just ridden a roller coaster though. and now i’m home. i’m grateful to be here. this chair is so soft i might sink all the way through it. i’m going to watch a movie that takes my brain. that’s exactly what i want to do. and i’m going to think about how comfortable it will be to do this at home with friends. in my den. with giselle or randy or johnny. and my parents will be talking in the kitchen. and a fire will be on in the living room. and petal will be with us. and i will be able to see all the christmas decorations in my cozy house. and people will just be around. that’s how christmastime is. nobody has an urgent agenda. they just hang out. they relax together. and nothing matters. we’ll keep the night low key. maybe after the movie we’ll transport to clint’s parent’s house and lie on the couch and do nothing but talk. and the next day i’ll go running with my brother and his fiance. it’s going to be a break. it’s going to be so nice.