Seems like I’ve been having lots of struggles lately. When I look at them from a distance they’re not really struggles at all. They’re all internal. What it comes down to is the practice of acceptance and positivity. Those are things that I must master. I am a master of negativity, beating myself up, and judging myself after. I got that down. 

Every time someone ever gave me the advice “be positive” I would always disregard it. It means nothing to me. Be positive? Ok. How? But that mentality seems immature to me now. The only way I’ll ever progress is if I take that advice seriously. It’s not a choice anymore. It’s something I have to do if I ever want to get anywhere. I’ve spent so much time  telling myself that I can’t. Telling myself that being hard on myself is the best way to learn. It almost fells like a safety net. If I’m always wrong or bad than I have no room to fuck up.  I like taking the blame. I’m not good. I’m boring. I’m blank. I’m monotone. Until I erase those thoughts from my head I will be stagnent. Until I stop telling myself to hurry up and progress I will be frozen. The pressure that I have put on myself to live the best life ever will cement me to a metal chair in room thick with black that is filled with nothing but thoughts ricochetting off the walls, running into each other, trying to make sense of each other. 

The key to life is leaving yourself alone. Not in a lazy way. In a way that lets you be present. If you’re sad don’t think about how there’s people out there who have much bigger problems than you. You can help them, but not by making yourself guilty and more sad. Try telling yourself that you’re ok for once. You’re entitled to be nice to yourself. Maybe if you try it, it will turn out that you like it. Maybe it will give you an epiphany. It’s hard as hell. It feels selfish. And it’s something you have to work for. I have to work to believe in myself. I can’t just accept it. 

Humans make everything so complicated. 

But I’ve come to this conclusion—a major theme in acting is letting yourself go. It’s as simple as that. Can you believe how absurdly parallel that is to real life?  In my work I have no choice but to force myself to believe in myself. I don’t believe in myself. I still think I’m monotone and boring. But that’s the beauty of working and learning. It’s a challenge. God it’s making me frustrated thinking of how fucking hard it is. But I have to try. No matter how much self doubt lives in me—I have to put myself on the line—I have to take risks. I have to try. I have to try because I don’t want to give up. I have to try, or I’ll never know.